Today is my 45th Birthday and I find myself feeling vulnerable and deep in the pit of emotion of who I truly be and how I choose to show up.
I feel like everything I’ve ever known about myself has been thrown up in the air and I’m waiting for all the pieces to fall back in to place, showing me the picture of how my life is meant to be, before I dare take another step forward.
I hadn’t anticipated feeling like this today. I feel totally sideswiped and raw in this confusion, sadness and aloneness.
How did I get here?
Life has been pretty darn cruisy, especially over the past 15 months or so. They’ve been the easiest ever. Smooth, flowing, free. Neither high nor low, neutral really. Even in times of loss or grief there was a stabilising on the inside, an even keel. No panic.
I imagined today being a celebratory day. Instead I find myself up before my beloved, sitting on the couch, teeth clenched in frustration, forlorn and rejected.
At first I tried to resist these feelings. Squash them back down. This is not how I planned to feel today. This is not how I be. What if this is the onset of another bout of depression? Depression I’ve been fortunate to not have had a hint of over the past 15 months, whilst I’ve been off the sugar completely and eating within my food tolerances.
Depression I believed I’d cured once and for all by looking after myself so thoroughly well. Healing my being with nourishing food, plenty of water, abstaining from alcohol, movement I enjoy, mindfulness, brain food, eliminating toxins from my body, etc., etc.,.
I just don’t think I can go there again.
Feeling this sad for myself is not something I’m use to anymore and shocked by how quickly feelings of old have me reacting.
So completely fragile.
Sure, I’ve been under some distress of late with a particular situation that has arisen, probably minuscule in the scheme of things, being it’s over a material object no less, a fucking car. Although even with that stress at play, thought I was managing my mental state quite well.
So why am I feeling so messed up today, of all days?
Then I thought to myself, what if I’m making this in to a bigger deal than it is and I allowed myself to simply go there. To feel shit, confused, sad, disappointed, hurt, whatever. Embracing the down moment for what it is. Not fearing if I go there, it’ll skyrocket in to a big depression. What if I trusted myself enough? I held space for me.
The tears fell.
Who am I?
What is it I want to be doing with my life?
What is it I don’t want to be doing with my life anymore?
Why am I feeling so disjointed, so out of sorts?
What’s this all about?
What is this all about?
Even more tears.
It’s about allowing myself to feel judged and made wrong by those I love and call friends and not speaking up, time and time again.
It’s about a material object being more important than me.
It’s about choosing my own adventure and not doing what others believe I should be doing.
It’s about change.
It’s about time.
That’s what it is.
It’s about time!
It’s about time I lived for myself.
I danced to my own rhythm, regardless of if I was out of time with everyone else’s.
It’s about time I spoke my truth in the ordinary and extraordinary, day in, day out. Not just when inspiration arises.
It’s about time I called you on your shit, no matter how uncomfortable that made me feel or awkwardly I delivered it.
That I was respected, regardless of my differences.
It’s about time I do what brings me alive, what lights me up, what brings me joy.
And it’s about time I gave myself credit, where credit is due.
Oh what a relief.
What a gigantic weight off my shoulders.
What a release.
I’m not falling into the depths of depression!
I’m allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling and it’s totally ok.
So thank you 45th Birthday for bringing clarity back to my life. I may go through a phase of trial and error until I find what it is I’m looking for. I now know I’ll do it from a place of love, trust and honour.
Tears have gone.
Heart is filling and warming once more.
Regardless of any of this, gratitude for another birthday, another beautiful digit to add to my collection.
What a fabulous day it is to be alive.
What else is possible?
Loving what is.
Big love & huge hugs,