Hello beautiful people,
With the recent passing of my father in-law I found myself contemplating my own mortality and how it is I am choosing to be, do and have in this lifetime and boy was I disappointed when I realized what I had been allowing myself to be, do and have of late or lack thereof!
Actually in truth I’ve suspected for a little while now (although not wanting to admit it to anyone including myself!) the choices I have been making have not necessarily been in mine or anyone else’s best interest.
Somehow I had managed to change my status from being a player in this game of life, back to the safety (or so I liked to believe!) of being a spectator sitting on the sidelines watching my world go by.
How, when, what, where, why? This is not possible!
Dig Lyndal…dig…keep digging…dig a little deeper…go on…I dare you…breathe…there you go…that’s it…right down there…you know what’s going on here…uh, uh no you don’t, get back here…keep digging…breathe…you know why you switched back to the sidelines…that’s it…you found it!
Found ‘It’, found ‘It’! Now that would be wonderful if ‘It’ was singular! It’s more like found ‘It’s’! When I allowed myself to go there, to really go there I was stunned by how many ‘It’s’ I had chosen (subconsciously at first) to have me stomping off the field to watch rather than continue to play the game.
Over several months of toing and froing (I’m in the game, no I’m not, yes I am, oops sorry my mistake I’m out!) I had accumulated so many ‘It’s’ they all began to blur into on big pile of shit!
My game was well and truly over whether I liked it or not. There was no way I could play with a big pile of shit in my way!
Surprisingly to me some of those ‘It’s’ were not all bad. Too much of a good thing I discovered is almost as dangerous as not enough when you allow your equilibrium to be out of kilter!
A highly profound experience not ingested properly, meaning I wasn’t able to store it in a place of peace, love and gratitude was swallowed whole in my stomach of lack, despair and wanting to hold onto the moment forever or wishing for things in my everyday life to be different, so desperately different!
Let alone the old players, who’ve retired from the game now, settling for less than, whom love to join you when you are down and out and sitting on the bench heading for the stands, Mrs Saboteur, Little Miss Drama Queen, Mr Comfort Zone, Master Fear and good old Mrs Doubtfire! Spruiking there there’s it’s going to be okay now, we’ll help you to your seat!
How simply a thought, then another one, then another and another can change the state of play, so quickly and so drastically that your game time is over before you even know it.
Stuck on so many levels!
What frustrates me the most is I know thoughts are powerful things. I know thoughts create my reality and to choose my thoughts carefully and with gratitude and love.
How easily one can slip when not watching where one is going! Bugger now I’m really in the shit!
The best thing to come out of all of this is at least now I know I can go take a shower and get myself clean again (from slipping in the ‘shit’!), ground myself, release the past, think about my thinking! And return to a place of love, gratitude and balance.
As the saying goes, ‘Shit Happens!’ it’s how you deal with ‘It’ that makes all the difference.
It’s okay to have a bi every now and then (no pun intended…hmm or was there?!) though no sitting in the stands for an extended period of time. Once a player…always a player…got it!
Hmm…so are you in or out – a player or a bench sitter?
Now let the game begin again!
Love & hugs,
‘practice what you passion’®