Hello beautiful people,
What a wonderful opportunity I’ve had to sit in my stuff already…not intentionally mind you…hmm…or maybe it was!
Perhaps at first I didn’t see it that way and perhaps seeing as though this is only my first full week without any of my family with me (almost two weeks now since last being with Andrew and I don’t mean sexually either!) I may well be a tad premature in giving thanks, although I’m trusting not. I believe there is always a benefit to be had in any situation. It may be as simple as knowing that you never want to be in that situation again!
When you put yourself outside your comfort zone, no matter how big or small, it’s amazing just how much stuff can and I’m betting will come up.
In what seems only a matter of a few days I have laughed, cried, laughed, cried, laughed, cried, cried, cried, then cried some more.
Not all the crying was a negative thing I might add. Some was a welcomed release of stifled blocked energy; some too was old stuff hanging on way past its expiration date desperate to be cleared.
I especially loved the spontaneous crying I did as I was jogging bare feet in the sandy ocean waters as the sun beamed its healing rays upon me. What a humbling and profound experience that was, something kind of euphoric releasing in nature like that.
So where are all these tears coming from? Sure, for a couple of days (or so!) I really thrust myself into the – what the fuck am I doing here! I am bloody crazy! Bugger this I am going home!
Just so you know there were times I did have to muster up all of my courage and power so I didn’t actually pack up my bags and head straight for home.
I wholeheartedly trust that this is exactly where I am meant to be right now; doing exactly what it is that I am meant to be doing. Each day a little sign of sorts confirms that to be true.
So on those days when my stuff was so well and truly up! Did I really expect to go anywhere other than deep, deep within?
Every judgement (self I might add), every doubt, every morsel of fear and anxiety, every embarrassment, every part of me questioning the truth. Every mistake, every moment where I felt I’d said or done an inappropriate thing, every feeling of shame, every feeling of guilt, every feeling of inadequacy, every part of me in chaos just because I am who I am. Every part of my beautiful body I loathed and rejected. Every time I looked in the mirror and it made me feel sad.
Oh take a breath Lyndal!
Could I have done it any differently, would I do it differently given the chance again? Did I say sorry? Could I have done more; can I be more, what if I can’t give more than this? Have I really learnt anything? Have I changed? Or am I just doing the same thing over and over again just in a slightly different colour as to fool myself?
What if, god forbid, I’ve got it all wrong? What if I am an imposter!
Stop the printer. Stop the book. I can’t do this! Argh!
For me to happily move forward in my life, especially in embracing the relationship I now have with my gorgeous husband, I did a lot of forgiving, a hell of a lot of forgiving and not just towards him either, though sure, majority of it was!
So is it any wonder that under all this crap, under all these layers of emotions floating around I’ve found its time to do some more forgiving, though this time, the majority, if not all of it, for myself!
How else am I going to move forward with the full confidence, inner strength and courage I require whilst coming from a place of full empowerment, empathy and unconditional love if I don’t continue to forgive myself along the way, for even the slightest littlest thing, such as doubting myself in the first place!
Everything that I don’t release or forgive myself for I dump on my toxic waste pile until one day it spews all over the place in an hysterical bout of irrational anger or frustration, or something liken to that and for no particular reason at all, (my apologies to the unsuspecting soul that has been on the receiving end of that!). Or if left unattended to really rot perhaps will manifest in a whole host of ill health and dis-ease.
Whatever it is, or however it would choose to present, the one thing I do know for sure is that it is preventable.
And just to confirm that this is something of significance to me right here, right now, my curiosity got the better of me as I wondered what those little blue and white cards were in the bowl on the table where I’m staying. So I chose one and as I chose it I asked that whatever it is it be for my highest good, it be my priority and low and behold on the other side of that little card was…yes you guessed it – forgiveness!
The next day I chose another card and that one was acceptance. Hmm how perfect don’t you think? So really what I got from these two little cards is through forgiveness I can reach a place of acceptance. The acceptance of it being exactly as it is meant to be.
I’m guessing there are going to be lots more opportunities for me to go deep within whilst I am on this trip of mine, as in all honesty I believe I have only just hit the tip of the iceberg! There’ll be lots more crying, lots more laughing, lots more forgiving, lots more acceptance and lots more loving unconditionally.
And as for my book, knowing that it is so much bigger than me, there is absolutely no way I could stop it from happening even if I wanted to!
Whether any of this makes any sense to you, the way it does me, know that forgiveness via acceptance, I believe, leads you straight to unconditional love and what a wonderful way to live.
So here’s to living and loving unconditionally and a huge dose of forgiveness as well.
Love & hugs,
‘practice what you passion’®